so its 10 years now.

on 27th june my life turned into a thriller. but at the beginning is me, applying for a good high-school. it was the matter whether i would go to the good university – whether I could prepare to get a good placement at uni. I stayed at home – I was 16. My mum and sister went away to see my grandparents from my mum’s side. I stayed in Warsaw, deadlines were approaching – I needed to apply to 3 most wanted high-schools.

So my dad throughout this time was wasted. he finally earned good money – great relied – total wastage out of alcohol. I didnt see him. He said that he would kill me because he loved me and that was love – i was waiting for my mum to come back.

So she did. we went to do some shopping – my dad wasnt at home at that time. she brought up some lamb with her from her parents – she’d prepare somethinng special. This was the day I was planning on „mum, dad, I need you – I’m dying, i need you, we need to talk things through”. I was like… 43kg and 170cm height? Not dying really – having your body pissing underneath you because muscles are not capable of dealing with it its not dying. But i planned it. My mum is back – dad becomes sober – we talk, we become happy family ever after.

It was late when my dad comes back. The next morning she cries, and she tells me what to do in the kitchen with lamb and stuff – I hugged her, I havent hugged her for a long time – I wanted to say that she is not alone, I know dad is drunk and I’m with her… and than she asked: so you knew?

I didnt know.

I knew from that moment.

And from then I could see her crying in the bath, not understanding why she was there. Now I can see her developing Altzhaimer at the age of 60, caoused by constand emotional stress and alcohol she drunk ever since then.

And its all because I wasnt strong enough – I didnt call the police when he had his hands over her neck. And the worst part is that he changed – I can fogive him – he stayed, he takes care of her as much as he can. I can’t forgive myself – few years later it happened she told me about some article she’s read – about children who told their father to go to hell and supported their mother throughout the divorce. We didnt.

I doesnt matter that I waited on the phone: emergency, please wait, emergency, please wait – it doesnt matter that I asked her to divorce him. She told me years after that – when it was all over and I was already here, in Edinburgh – away from that – it was maybe 4 years ago and she said – I should have leave , she said – I would have manage with kinds, I know I would. I know you would, I think now – but no kids of yours were supportive enough and were suffefing for years because your loved man was away and all you did was ironing his shirts when he was in Poland. and this time when anniversaty of my commum – we cried together in your bedroom because dad isnt coming. its just us, me, ola, artur, you. no grandparents, no dad.

I’d give her my life – means so much to me – if you could see your grandchildren, Mamo.

Mamo, myślę, i mnie rani że przez nasze zaniedbanie 20 lat Twojego świadomego życia jest jednym wielkim cierpieniem, a przecież mogłam….

10 lat.

Mamo…..